shedding light on the difficult tasks in divorce


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Q. When is it time to call it quits and end a marriage?

Dear Susan,

I am a 29-year-old mother of two beautiful children, both under the age of two. My husband yells at me in front of the children, lies and is impatient with our one and a half year old son. I don't want our children to come from a broken home but I also don't want to continue tolerating my husband's bad behavior. When is it time to call it quit and end a marriage? ~BJ

Dear BJ,

This sounds like a challenging situation and, while divorce is certainly an option, there are other interventions I would try first.

You both might start with a parenting class to help you get on the same page about what the best parenting practices are for your toddlers. There are also some wonderful books out there for parents such as Magic Tools for Raising Kids, by Elizabeth Crary.

It also seems to me that there are trust issues between the two of you that I think would be best addressed by a marriage counselor. Therapy can be extremely effective in uncovering and resolving underlying issues that may contribute to the dishonesty and tension you are experiencing. Some people prefer to consult a clergy person or other type of trained professional. That’s fine but I definitely recommend seeking outside assistance.

If your husband refuses to go, you can go on your own and do what you can to implement the skills you learn.

If, after you have tried these measures nothing changes, then it may be time to look at investigating divorce. 

Best of luck to you,

Susan Pease

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Susan Pease Gadoua is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the founder and director of the Transition Institute of Marin (T.I.M.). Based in San Rafael, California, T.I.M. provides support and education to divorcing women and men. Susan is the author of the upcoming book Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go (New Harbinger Publications, Inc. © 2007– release date August 2008). Read Susan Pease Gadoua's biography.

This article is not legal or medical advice. You should consult an attorney if you have legal questions that relate to your specific divorce or consult a doctor if you have medical questions about your health.

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